“Yes, but…”

“Yes, but…” responses are used in conversation more frequently than you might think. It’s one of the most frustrating responses you can receive. Here’s why. When used, the “but” dismisses everything you said in favor of what your conversation partner has to say. It reduces what you said to mere ash, as if you never said it.

I recently had a conversation with a longtime friend where I was sharing a series of difficult conversations I have had over several months regarding race. Admittedly, race is a hot topic these days, or any days, really. I was explaining my perspective and how these conversations made me feel and none of my feelings were good. These conversations had been painful at points along the way, yet, I leaned into them to try to find a place of healing for all involved.

During our conversation, my friend repeatedly said, “yes, but…”.

• … aren’t you being too sensitive?

• … people are uncomfortable when talking about race.

• … most of us would prefer to avoid conversations like these.

• … these are hard conversations to have.

• … was it really that bad?

With every “yes, but…” I took a deep breath and spoke clearly and passionately about my experience, providing additional information to support my comments. There was no defensiveness in my responses which is what a “yes, but…” reply tees up. Instead, I offered my thoughts, rationale, examples and a bit of humor to try to get to a place where she could better understand my perspective. In the end, she couldn’t.

I am  not a fan of “yes, but…” in any conversation. Using it is a conversational weapon, often wielded unconsciously, to make your point the only point. And when has that ever served us in getting to the best outcome or higher level of shared understanding?

And when wielded consciously, is manipulative.

I am a fan of “yes, and…” always. Using it immediately validates what the other person said AND provides something different to consider. It takes into consideration what has already been said and adds to it. Even if that added perspective is different from yours, and it keeps your thought whole and considered. Whew, that’s so much better when people disagree about something. It keeps folx in the conversation, feeling seen and heard, and holds the door open to learning something new and maybe even making a better decision.

Conversations about race deserve a “yes, and…”

Conversations about race require a “yes, and…”

All conversations become better conversations with a “yes, and…” sprinkled throughout.

So, be on the lookout for the next “yes, but…” and stop that person and invite a “yes, and…” into the conversation.

And if it’s you who uses “yes, but…” in conversation, stop it.

Change your language. Change your outcome.